Talking is vulnerable. The more honest we are, the more it reveals something about what is in our heart, what we desire, and who we are. Relationship therapists and married partners, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. say “talking is the most dangerous thing most people do.” While that may seem extreme, it does make me realize how habituated we are to the daily weaponizing of our words and the level at which, even with those close to us, we gear up and put on defenses so that what we put out there in the form of conversation is not used against us. (more…)

The technique taught to participants was an adaptation of the Imago technique developed by relationship therapists and married partners, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. It was originally used as a therapeutic technique, but they now teach the process to general audiences after realizing this listening skill is useful for anyone in any type of relationship. (…more)

Every speaker answers the prompt: Can you tell me about a time when someone helped you feel like you belong?

Since Oklahoma City Public Schools Chief of Equity and Student Supports, Marsha Herron, generously agreed to let me work with her staff, I wanted to use a prompt that would be helpful to participants.  “Equity” was recently named a top priority issue in OKCPS, I wanted to give participants an opportunity to discuss “belonging”, an important element of equity.

Diversity, inclusion, and belonging are all important elements of equity, but diversity and inclusion are more “head pieces” whereas belonging is the “heart piece”.  Diversity and inclusion can be tracked, counted, and monitored; you can write an organizational policy for them, but belonging is more difficult, more subjective. It’s a feeling that comes from the way we treat each other in our organizational cultures.

I’ve spent hundreds of hours on my high school and college debate teams.  In debate competitions you develop the practice of “flowing” rounds – or recording everything everyone says for the purpose of picking it apart and winning.  I loved debate and the skills I learned, but in relationships I need more than the ability to analyze arguments.  Instead of stopping the flow of another, I need to make sure every word is received and understood so I can find the win-win.

For this project I wanted to do a practice that appreciates the “poetry” of our words instead of the “logic”.  Using wax crayon on water color paper, I drew an abstract interpretation of the sound waves and speech patterns of each speaker.  When participants were done with the listening exercise, I asked them to do a short breathing meditation while I put watercolor paint on the paper, revealing the illustration.  This was to relax after the anxiety of trying something new.  At the end I reminded each pair that even though we can’t see a conversation once we’re done making it, the words live on in our memories and have a presence in our lives.